feeling a little bleeblish

The house is a mess. The sink os full of dirty dishes. The mail is still in the car. The scriptures are not read. But the child… The child is asleep. On the couch. I do what I can.

To all the single moms out there or the moms who might as well be single moms: Way to go! You are doing great! Seriously.

Although I would do it over again without even thinking – I am so done I want to cry. No one should ever have to do the nightly routine alone. I don’t care if you have one child or 19 and counting. When it comes to the bed time stuff there should always be more than one adult. I mean even after the babe is asleep it would be nice to have that other person to motivate you to clean something and to work along side you. Or to say “Let it be. We’ll do it tomorrow.” That way you do not feel guilty for doing nothing.

Or just to have someone to complain to so you don’t have to blog about it. I mean really. I have not showered. Don’t think I will even though it probably won’t happen tomorrow either. I am on my period. My back hurts like crazy (Brock why are you not here to rub it????). I still have to pack. Oh yeah. I fly to alaska with a two year-old tomorrow. I am kinda freaking out. I have to run a million errands that I do not have time for. And I am all by myself. But like always I will throw on my happy-I-can-do-it-all-and-have-a-great-attitude face and deal with it. It is what is is. And what it is is actually pretty wonderful. I am so blessed to have the best friends on the planet. The most beautiful little girl to take care of for a spell. And a loving and grace giving God. Thank you.

What it comes down to is that I am 26. I want to be a mom more than anything. But alas, I am not ready. I just have no idea what I am doing and what I do do I am not good at. Example: Child is sleeping on the couch. (deep sigh) oh. And I need a husband. That will not be happening anytime soon if ever. blah bleg bliggity blog blog bleeblish blue


New Favorite Song

7 x 70 It’s about forgiving those whom you love but who have deeply hurt you.


You get what ever you settle for…

Right now the status of one of the greatest women in the world reads:

I don’t know how I became the authority on marriage amongst my friends, but here is my nearly universal advice: You get whatever you settle for.

Settling. That has been the topic of many conversations of late. Maybe the universe is sending me a message. Career. Men. Friends. Food. Spirituality. In what areas of my life do I settle? Thinking that I do not deserve better. That I deserve punishment. That I could not do better. Well, you get what ever you settle for.

Comments people have made recently:

*I am ashamed to tell people I want to be a teacher. *One reason why I love him is because of the way he makes me feel. Important. Special. Beautiful. Everything. *Are you your brother’s keeper? *It’s because he is invested in you. *I ate a Oreo and was healed. *Heavenly Father knows best.

I do not think that anyone plans on “settling” in their life. I know I do not. But then sometimes we find ourselves stuck. And what is the best way to get unstuck? According to my good friend Jane (AKA Drop Dead Diva) is to give yourself a good kick in the a**. So what do I have planned for this coming week: a**kicking.


Lesson on Love #1

Remember in the movie Beatle Juice when Geena Davis opens the front door of her home only to find that her neighborhood has been replaced with a giant desert of sand and a monster worm? That is kinda how I see my life right now. Minus the desert and worm that is. I am standing at my front door looking out into my world and nothing is familiar.

This summer (like most) brings change. I love it and I hate it. I am excited but do not know how to deal with it. I am a mess.

I am surrounded by wonderful people and opportunities. Yet the ones who know me best are no longer here. I feel unneeded. Where is my place? I am once again a wonderer in a strange land.

I had a long talk with Heavenly Father in the car tonight. I think one of the great lessons He is trying to teach me is love. If you know me you know loving is one thing I am good at…or so I like to think. I have a friend. I know Heavenly Father loves him no matter what. I just know this. I know that God is doing everything in His power while respecting agency to take care of Him. Heavenly Father loves my friend freely. His almighty love requires nothing in return. This is the kind of love God has for all of his children not just a select few. This is even how God loves me. And because He does so can I. I can love others with the pure selfless love that Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ have.

So I might no longer have a “place” or know what is going to happen when I step outside but I do know that I can love. And that is my plan.


The Second Yes

I have a friend whose father always tells her that she needs to decide what kind of person she is going to be.

I have another friend whose choices always frustrate the hell out of me. I just want to shake him and say to him, “Don’t you understand what a crucial time in your life this is? The choices you make now although they seem unimportant and inconsequential will actually determine the path the REST of your life will take! Can you handle this being the rest of your life??”

The truth is that is also a crucial time for me as well. I also need to decide what kind of a person I am going to be.

Another friend called me up not too long ago. She told me that she knew of the things she needed to do. Now she needed to decide if she was going to do them or not.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. –Julia Cameron

A story about commitment:
I once knew a man who had to decide whether to pay his tithing every time his check came, whether to go to his meetings every time they were held, whether to take an alcoholic drink every time he was offered one. Finally a friend asked him: “Why can’t you just decide once and for all which side you’re on? Why do you have to re-examine your loyalty every time a decision is called for? You are spiritually reinventing the wheel over and over again, and you will never make any progress until you can build on what you already know.”
A few weeks later he called his friend and asked for a ride to some stake meetings. The friend was pleased he was going, and when he told him so, the man responded: “You know, I wouldn’t like it if my wife told me she had to decide every morning whether she still loved me or not, or if she told me she only stayed with me because she hadn’t found a reason to leave—yet. I guess the Lord is entitled to more of a commitment than that from me. I’m ready to stop reinventing the wheel and move on.”

Endurance, Commitment, Integrity, Determination, Loyalty. These are words we would all like to describe us. What kind of person we are. But do they?

“Enduring to the end means, in general, entering into the gospel covenant (through faith in Christ, repentance, baptism, and receiving the Holy Ghost) and then remaining faithful to that covenant.
We often refer to those who continue in their commitments to Christ as being “faithful.” In the Old Testament, the words for faith, faithful, andfaithfulness all come from the Hebrew ‘aman, which means “to be firm or reliable” and implies primarily qualities of loyalty and determination. Thus, being faithful means that we can be trusted to keep our commitments. The covenants of baptism and of the temple are solemn promises we make to God about how we will conduct our lives. Enduring to the end is keeping those promises throughout our lives—no matter what. It means we don’t quit because of life’s difficulties or temptations. Conversely, failing to endure means backing away from what we’ve started—first promising loyalty to God and then withholding what we promised. Endurance is not so much a matter of stamina as it is a matter of loyalty and integrity. Can you be trusted to faithfully hold your course? Just as a spouse who can be trusted to keep the marriage covenant is calledfaithful, so those who can be trusted to keep their gospel covenants are called faithful.

Some people are basically saying, “well, today I think the Church is true, but ask me again tomorrow.” There must come some point at which our commitment to the gospel and our conviction of its truth settles questions of faith in advance and predetermines our response to whatever challenges that commitment.
A testimony isn’t like a hypothesis in science, which may be supported by evidence one day and destroyed by it the next. It is a conviction based on the evidence of things not seen that some things are eternally true. (SeeHeb. 11:1.) The provisionally converted are those who just haven’t found a reason to leave—yet. Just as such a relationship would be unsatisfactory in a marriage, so it is unsatisfactory in the spiritual marriage of the gospel. Such individuals need to become converted, to receive the witness of the Spirit and the conviction that accompanies faith. Just as partners in a truly celestial marriage say, “we are sealed, no matter what,” so a truly converted member says: “I am a member of this church. My lot is cast with the Apostles and prophets—no matter what. Above all other issues, loyalties, agendas, and commitments, this is where I stand.”
Without such a prior commitment, some new policy or required sacrifice, some imagined (or real) offense on the part of Church leaders, might challenge our endurance. Of those who fluctuate in their commitment, the Lord said that they have no “depth of earth” in which to sow the word of the gospel, and when trials come, by and by they are offended. (See Matt. 13:18–21; Mark 4:3–20.) We must not fear to send the roots of the gospel deep into our hearts.

Occasionally, those who cannot keep their commitments seek to justify themselves by separating loyalty to Christ from loyalty to his church, but this is impossible. Our covenants in the restored gospel of Christ are covenants which specifically include our relationship with his church and which are administered through his church—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We cannot endure to the end in those covenantswithout enduring to the end in that church. This is made clear by the Savior himself: “And now, behold, whosoever is of my church, andendureth of my church to the end, him will I establish upon my rock, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against them.” (D&C 10:69; emphasis added.)
There are no private arrangements. Enduring in one’s covenants means enduring in the Church. God will not excuse those who leave the Church, thinking that they have good reasons or that they can keep covenants made in and through the Church while rejecting the Church. No matter what their intentions, they are deceived. By definition, if they have not lasted, they have failed to endure to the end.” (you should really read this whole talk. Find it here: http://lds.org/ensign/1993/10/enduring-to-the-end?lang=eng ).

The Second Yes: This is what it is about.

If affliction call into question our friendship with God, then affliction is an opportunity to answer that question with faith. It is easy to say “yes” to discipleship in well-lit chapels and in good health. But, as in getting married, the first yes launches a long relationship filled with opportunities to say yes again. We repeatedly confirm our loyalty until there can be no question.

The second yes, confirming the first, is not usually spoken in words. But however spoken, the demanding language of loyalty makes clear what and whom we love.

Nephi spoke his famous words, “I will go and do,” in the light of his father’s tent. But these words led him to a darkened Jerusalem street, where a second yes required that he use Laban’s sword.

On the road to Damascus, Paul asked, “Lord, what wilt thou have me to do?” Paul’s rather uncomplicated yes to the Lord’s answer was only the beginning. Each challenging cycle that followed called for a second yes by which Paul could verify his loyalty.

When a pioneer woman diligently pulled her cart up yet another hill, she was saying yes again, verifying former decisions. Her second yes was all the more convincing and audible to the hosts of heaven.

This eloquent language applies mostly to mortals. Premortals and post-mortals can speak priorities, but from the dark, sheer canyons of the second estate we state our devotion with extra clarity. The suffering mortal soul, unheard by other mortals, cries out a testament of allegiance. Immortals stop to listen in reverence. The second yes echoes through eternity. It breathes sense into our suffering.

We will fully understand the language of loyalty only after our mortal schooling. We will remember its difficult phrases and courageous messages. We will forever honor those who spoke it well. But our gift to speak the quiet grammar of faith, the rich dialect of cheer, and the sweet poetry of patience will be lost when we leave this mortal scene. IF WE DO NOT MAKE STATEMENTS CLEARLY IN THAT LANGUAGE WHILE IT IS OUR TURN TO DO SO, WE WILL FOREVER WISH WE HAD. This is our last chance.

God accepts the early yes, the one that gets things started. But the latter yes, uttered in discomfort, is the convincing one. Our second yes and the ones that follow will stand forever as monuments to our lives. Perhaps they are the only things we came here to say. – Wayne E. Brickey

“Happily, failing to endure is not a sin one commits once and for all time. While we remain in mortality, we always have the option of repentance. Not long ago, I met a former student who had lost his membership as a result of repeated, willful iniquity. He said that he wanted to straighten his life out. I asked him if he had a testimony, and he said no, he didn’t. Surprised, I asked him why he wanted to repent and regain his membership if he didn’t have a testimony. I will never forget his answer: “I don’t know right now that the Church is true, but I know that I once knew, and I know God knows I once knew. The Church didn’t change between then and now—I did. And now I want to know again what I knew before, and I am willing to repent to do it.”


Many ways to live your dream

I first heard this story several years ago but recently ran into it again. Enjoy!

a businessman was at the pier of the small Tuvaluan island when a boat with a fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were fish. The businessman complimented the Tuvaluan on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied only a little while.

The businessman then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish? The Tuvaluan said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Tuvaluan fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a nap with my wife, Puna, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitars with my friends; I have a full and busy life.”

The businessman scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. You could sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would need to leave this small fishing island-nation and move to Australia, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise.”

The Tuvaluan fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take? To which the businessman replied, “15 to 20 years.” “But what then, sir? The businessman laughed and said, “Thats the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and make millions, flying around on your own corporate jet!” “Millions, sir? Then what?” The businessman said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing island where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends.”

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”

-Author Unknown


March

My friend Heather does the best job ever of documenting all the fun and exciting things in her life. I always look forward to looking at her new pictures each month. So I thought to myself, “Why don’t I do this??”

Easy: I don’t do anything fun and exciting.

In an attempt to have a more fun & exciting life I am going to take pictures of the “fun” things I do and blog about them. My hope is that in an effort to not appear like total lame-sauce I will be inspired to actually do fun and exciting things.

Any ideas?