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I am Sorry….

In light of recent events in my life I wish to share how I feel about certain issues and maybe clarify some things. I have come to a place of humility and first wish to openly apologize to any and all of my LBGT friends. I am truly sorry if you have ever felt any amount of judgment from me at any time and on any level. I am sorry if you have ever felt that I do not accept you the way God has made you or the way you have chosen to live your life. I am sorry if you have ever felt that I have tried to change you or that I want you to be different. If you ever felt any of these things from me please come to me. I want to know so I can make it right. It was never my intention. I promise. And I hope you will forgive me. I also want you to know that this is not me defending myself. There is not defence for hurt feelings. This is me clearing the air.

I know I can be confusing because how I feel about people is sometimes in opposition with how I feel about certain issues or topics. Believe me, I am aware of these things. Over the years I have tried to reconcile the two but have yet to reach a place where I am standing still.

What specifically triggered this post is this video:

In all honesty I do not know where I stand on gay marriage. Because I feel differently about it depending on the person. And maybe that is not fair but it is where I am at. And I do not know where I stand on gay couples raising children. I know that if anyone told my friends Daniel and Charlie they could not raise children because they are gay I would be devastated for them. I am not asking for opinions or advice (not that I am closed to it). I am not looking to be persuaded one way or the other. I am just clearing the air. If you are wondering, this is where I am at.

Now What I do know is this:

“There is power in the blood of Christ,
power not only to create worlds and part the Red Sea but also to still the storms of the human heart. There is power in Christ to bring about a sudden and miraculous change in a person’s life and also the power to bear one’s burdens with dignity and strength until one’s mortal life is finished. God alone knows why some who suffer are delivered immediately from their suffering, why others pass away, and why yet others continue on earth to face the traumas of this second estate. We cling to the surpernal promise from Him who is the Peacegiver, the Balm of Gilead, that He will heal us, whether here or hereafter. “For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor percieved by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him” (Isaiah 64:4). Each of us wrestles with something. Perhaps it is our complexion, the shape of our bodies, our intellectual challenges, or same-gender attraction. To attempt to compare crosses is both unwise and counterproductive, for only He who knows all things can discern the depths of the individual human soul. We have not been promised a stress-free existence or a life of leisure. We have, however, the unimpeachable testimony of One who descended below all things and thus who knows what is in the heart of each of us that relief is real, that delieverance is definite. The Master becons to us: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon me you, and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30). (DB)

I know that if you have a wound of any kind that Jesus Christ can heal you. If words or actions of others (including my own) have beat you down that He can lift you up. I know that all of you do not believe as I do. That is ok. I do not judge you for believing differently than me because I love you. I just wanted to make it clear what I do know and what I do not know. What I have confused feelings about and what I do not. You are welcome to take it or leave it. And if you leave it…I hope you are still leaving with my love. Dang Bruno Mars who stole my line….but I do love you just the way you are!


Sexual Healing

It is almost 6 am and I have not slept all night. My friend posted this on facebook and I am choosing to share. I loved watching this. He is right about everything.

Family Reunion

the only thing missing is TROY LEISHMAN –the other love of my life.

So here is the skinny: I had Saturday off. Liz was giving a talk in church on Sunday. Andrew was willing to drop everything and come with me. Liz and Rocklyn are worth driving 8 hours on friday to spend Saturday with and then drive 8 hours home on Sunday. The end. It’s a lovely story. Actually… it’s a love story. President Harold B. Lee taught that “the most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes.” In this family our home is located in our hearts. That is where we live and where we love. Anytime we can close the gap of physical distance that is what we do. December Liz and Rocky are coming to stay with me. January there will be fireball. To Colorado or bust!

Family Picture Rocklyn, Liz, Andrew and Nicole

When Andrew and I arrived in Longmont it was LATE. We read scriptures, said our prayers and then Liz and I talked poor little Andrew to sleep. 7am came fast. Liz and I dressed in black leggings, red tees and put our hair in side ponies. We had an 80s dance party with Rocklyn until we woke Andrew up at 9. “Girls….Girls….Girls….”

We got ready for our day and then headed out to Sandy’s farm. I want to live on a farm and have a house like Sandy’s. That is my happy place. We went to a toy store. Walked Pearl Street and had lunch. On the way the wee ones (Andrew and Rocklyn) slept. We went to dinner that night with Leslie, Sandy and Alexander. After Rocky went to bed that night we played music for a few hours and Liz wrote her talk. We stayed up until 3 ish in the morning talking and being goofy. Lots of fart and poop stories. Liz was almost dropped down the “laundry s***,” I was smacked in the mouth and Andrew could have died in a fire. Pretty much we had the best time ever:) On Sunday Andrew made us breakfast and we went to church where Liz gave a beautiful talk on gratitude. oh. And Rocklyn peed on Andrew!!

But alas, it was time for us to head back to Provo. In Colorado we took a little shortcut on a gravel road. Before we entered Owl Canyon we stopped at a little gas station for a bathroom break. The Land was so beautiful we had to take a picture. There was a road that looked so inviting but it was in the opposite direction of where we needed to go. Andrew, in what I like to think in his desire to please me and make me happy, said that we could travel down it for 10 minutes before we headed on our way again. When we detoured on our little adventure we discovered a little park. Andrew took a little dip in the river. haha. But it was so great and relaxing!

We found cows

The trip was great. And just what we all needed. Thank you Heavenly Father for these beautiful people in my life. Please can we all be best friends forever?

LIZ, You are a wonderful friend. Thank you for letting me come to visit you and your daughter. You are an amazing parent and the perfect example of what intentional parenting is. I hope one day I can be as good as a mother as you are. Thank you for being patient with me. For listening to my same sob stories over and over and always validating my feelings. Thank you for creating a space for me to let my guard down. Our 80s dance party was one of my favorite! What can I say… girls just want to have fun! My life is fuller with you and Rocklyn in it.

Andrew, You are a wonderful friend and a great man. I feel very blessed to not only know you but to have you as a best friend, as family. Thank you for continuing to put up with me and my crazy. Thank you for being a safe place for me to fall, to make mistakes, to share my secrets and express what is really going on inside this head and heart of mine. I think you are one of the smartest people I know. You have a big heart. I believe in you. P.s. You do have daddy fingers;)

Rocklyn, You are a wonderful friend. You love everyone and do not judge. What an example you are to the world of what acceptance and friendship really mean. You know how to have a good time. I always have so much fun when I am around you. I know I can tell you anything. Thank you for loving me, remembering me, and praying for me. I know Heavenly Father has big plans for you. I am excited to watch them unfold. I miss you and will see you again soon!

yours, yours and yours, nicole xoxo


my lil' lulu bird

Dear my little song, I miss you. I was looking at pictures of you yesterday and remembering all the fun times we have had. I am missing you. I miss our talks. I miss reading together and making messes. I miss falling asleep next to you, hanging onto your hand and dancing. I hope to see you soon.
Love, Nu

Laughing Matters

About a week ago I was having a really hard time. Well I still am having a hard time but on this particular night I was at a breaking point. I decided to call my mother and cry to her. I never cry to my mother so you know it was bad. I find her name in my phone and press send. She answers and I immediately reply “hi mom” in the most depressing drawn-out greeting ever to exit my mouth. As I was doing such it registered in my brain that the voice on the other end did not sound like my mother. I look down at my phone and in horror realize I had called my landlord and not my mom! AHHHH! In my immediate shock and embarrassment I hang up. I breathe for two seconds and proceed to call my REAL mother. I tell her what just happened and we laugh, laugh, and laugh! Even though my situation in life did not change and I embarrassed myself in an AMAZING way, my laughter had brought me away from my breaking point.

Laughing Matters

The Gift of Forgiveness

by lloyd D. Newell

Life is a study in forgiveness. No one gets through life without needing to forgive. And no one escapes the need to be forgiven. Perhaps the central test of character, forgiveness brings out the best in us. It leads us beyond our own pain and suffering and helps us feel God’s love. Ironically, we help ourselves in the most profound way when we give the gift of forgiveness to others.

Charlotte Bronte’s literary Jane Eyre addresses the theme of forgiveness so well. Young Jane, orphaned and sent to live with a spiteful aunt, endures years of neglect and cruelty as a child. When Jane is old enough, her aunt sends her away to a substandard boarding school, where she is again mistreated. But Jane learns a vital lesson from Helen, a dear friend there. Helen explains to Jane one of life’s great secrets: “Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity, or registering wrongs.” Helen teaches Jane to forgive: to forget wrongs, to love enemies, to “bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you… and despitefully use you.”

Jane’s life is different ever after. It doesn’t necessarily become easier–Jane still has to endure injustices, hardships, and betrayals–but she is better prepared for all these things because she has learned not to hold on to grudges and ill feelings. She frees her soul from anger, bitterness, and revenge. In fact, Jane even returns to her malicious aunt and attends to her during her dying days. Ultimately, Jane finds true joy– and even true love–because she learned to forgive.

And so can we. It may be the hardest work we ever do, but it is also the most rewarding. Resolve now to let an old grudge go. Decide in advance to forgive any future offense that may come. Determine never to let a mistake get in the way of a meaningful relationship. As the 18th-century British poet Alexander Pope wrote, “to err is human, to forgive, divine.”